A Lost Life

I just posted this on my Myspace blog, but I decided I should put it here. Along with my other thoughts.

My heart is broken. Another teen is lost to the reign of suicide. Are we ever going to overcome this battle?

Today we lost Moriah Caron of California. I never knew her personally. But she was a close friend of two of those I hold dear to me, and watching them suffer after the loss of a friend hurts me.

Needless to say, she will be missed. Not even a day since her death, and her Facebook wall is filled with goodbyes from her friends. Messages saying that they wish they could've done more to help her. Videos of some of her last happy moments. A friend of hers posted a picture on her wall. It said "The sky is more beautiful because you are watching over us. Rest in peace. We love you, we miss you."

I just pray to God that she's seeing these messages to her and is smiling down at her friends. I hope that she finally sees that she WAS loved.

Rest In Peace, Moriah Caron.

When it comes to suicide. It's such a touchy subject to me. Because anyone who knows my past knows that I've thought about it, and have came close so many times. I came across this quote today:

"Have the courage to live. Anyone could die." -Robert Cody

Wow. That's all I can think of when I see that quote. It's true. It's the easy way out, because life is hard. ANYONE who overcomes the want to die is strong in my book. To be able to get up and face a new day, even though the things that made you want to end your life are still out there. You are STRONG.

I want to believe that those who commit suicide are going straight to Heaven. But people who I consider my mentors, these adults, they say that you go to Hell when you kill yourself. That's why you shouldn't do it. I hope that they were only saying that to scare me. But truthfully. How do we know? How do we know that we'd go to Hell if we killed ourselves? Why do we, the living, try to make that judgement? It's up to God. And He's such a fair and wonderful God. He forgives our sins and loves us to no end. It's HIS choice whether we spend that eternity with Him. So I think we should all just forget about judging people, and just let Him do it.

Two weeks ago, my aunt's father died. How? He killed himself. He had been sick for so many years, and was in immense pain. So he finally took his life with the help of a bullet. He was a Christian man, just as Moriah had been a Christian girl. They loved God, and yet they still ended their lives. They were dealing with pain. Just different kinds of it. And in the end, the did what they felt was best. I pray that God sees their actions for what they were: A cry for help, a cure for their pain. And I pray that God forgives them. Please God, forgive them.

All this talk about death lately just makes me think about time. And how little of it we truly have. We spend so much time on the things that don't matter, and I am one of the people who does this the most. We focus on our looks, our status among others, our score on that newest game. We act as though we have all the time in the world. When in reality, we've only got about 70. If we're that lucky. We are wasting our time on these material things. We've got to start focusing on LOVE.

Yeah I said it. LOVE. This world would be better off if we just loved each other, and stopped loving just ourselves. So many people are pushing love away because they think they need to work on themselves some more. We end up forgetting about the people who need our help. Who need our love. For everyone who has ever been in love, it's such a beautiful thing. I have been. And I miss it. But now I've realized that love isn't just between two people who get married. It's between God and us. And us and the people around us. God made us to need others to survive. He gave us that capacity to love so we can share it with others, to share His love, and to share our own. If we love on someone, maybe we can save a life. Just a thought to consider.

Before I get too off topic, I'll say goodnight, or good morning. However you want to put it at 3am.

God Bless.

- A False Angel

It's Just Me.

I don't know who I am anymore. Or where I'm at in this walk of life. All I do know is that I'm confused and I just need a written record of what I'm going through, while I go through it.

Here's a little history for you:

• I was abused physically and emotionally as a kid, so it's screwed me up immensely.
• I'm a recovering self-injurer.
• I suffer from bulimia, and have suffered on-and-off for the past five years.
• I'm a kid in a one parent household. Living with my recently separated mom. But I see my dad all of the time.
• I believe in God, and I know, more than anything, that he is perfect

I'm a person who has dealt with so much in their life. And I know in the long run, it's going to make me stronger. But for now, I'm just trying to figure out how to live.