I'm done.
The end.
A look in to the mind of yet another teenage girl.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Day One.
Today is the first day of many.
Last night I admitted the truth to four people. Now I'm admitting it to you, my two readers:
I, Michaela, am a bulimic. I am not that perfect student leader that I am "supposed" to be. I did know better, and yet I let this disease take control of me. I let my own pride and selfishness get in the way of reaching out to people who I know could've helped me if I had asked for it long ago when I first started throwing up again. I didn't want people to know how messed up I truly was, and I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry to God and to all of those who I know care about me.
For so long I thought that I couldn't mess up. I'm a student leader. I can't be the one who needs help. I'm supposed to be the one who helps others. Which is why I let myself get involved in so many ministries with so many people. I had to take the focus off of myself and put it on others so no one would notice my pain. Bad idea, right?
I can't expect to fill the cup of others, if my cup isn't being filled elsewhere.
If I'm denying the help from others, what hope is there for me?
Well I took the first step and told Casey, our speaker from Summit View. I wasn't even expecting to. I just wanted to tell him thanks for speaking because it helped me realize some things, and he asked what stood out the most. . .
And in my telling of what stood out, I broke down and told him everything that was going on.
About how I was screwing up, but was afraid to tell anyone from church because all my leaders seem so perfect. He told me I had to tell them, I had to get help; I already knew that, but God had to remind me through Casey that I needed to do it soon. Or else I could end up seriously hurting myself.
Back in my small group, God reveled to me that those "perfect" leaders have messed up too. They didn't all live the cookie cutter Christian life like I had assumed. He provided me with a leader that shares a story similar to mine, something I've never come across in this lifetime. She and one of my closest friends, Miranda, listened to me and my crying testimony of purging and cutting. And they sat right there, holding my hands while I confessed to Scott that I wasn't who I said I was.
I braced myself because I was sure he would say that there was absolutely no way I could go to Indonesia now. But it's not what he said. I'm still in the running for being considered for Impact Indonesia, that mission's trip that I've been dreaming about since I was twelve years old.
My second step is dropping out of one of my classes. I need to get healthy. And I can't do that with the added stress of taking 20 credits. I'm going to go be a normal college student person and take 15 this quarter. Goodbye Geology. Until next quarter.
The third step is telling mom and dad. I have to have that at-home-accountability thing, so just in case I can't reach out to a friend, I have my parents on round-the-clock watch.
Now it's time for sleep. I think.
Last night I admitted the truth to four people. Now I'm admitting it to you, my two readers:
I, Michaela, am a bulimic. I am not that perfect student leader that I am "supposed" to be. I did know better, and yet I let this disease take control of me. I let my own pride and selfishness get in the way of reaching out to people who I know could've helped me if I had asked for it long ago when I first started throwing up again. I didn't want people to know how messed up I truly was, and I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry to God and to all of those who I know care about me.
For so long I thought that I couldn't mess up. I'm a student leader. I can't be the one who needs help. I'm supposed to be the one who helps others. Which is why I let myself get involved in so many ministries with so many people. I had to take the focus off of myself and put it on others so no one would notice my pain. Bad idea, right?
I can't expect to fill the cup of others, if my cup isn't being filled elsewhere.
If I'm denying the help from others, what hope is there for me?
Well I took the first step and told Casey, our speaker from Summit View. I wasn't even expecting to. I just wanted to tell him thanks for speaking because it helped me realize some things, and he asked what stood out the most. . .
And in my telling of what stood out, I broke down and told him everything that was going on.
About how I was screwing up, but was afraid to tell anyone from church because all my leaders seem so perfect. He told me I had to tell them, I had to get help; I already knew that, but God had to remind me through Casey that I needed to do it soon. Or else I could end up seriously hurting myself.
Back in my small group, God reveled to me that those "perfect" leaders have messed up too. They didn't all live the cookie cutter Christian life like I had assumed. He provided me with a leader that shares a story similar to mine, something I've never come across in this lifetime. She and one of my closest friends, Miranda, listened to me and my crying testimony of purging and cutting. And they sat right there, holding my hands while I confessed to Scott that I wasn't who I said I was.
I braced myself because I was sure he would say that there was absolutely no way I could go to Indonesia now. But it's not what he said. I'm still in the running for being considered for Impact Indonesia, that mission's trip that I've been dreaming about since I was twelve years old.
My second step is dropping out of one of my classes. I need to get healthy. And I can't do that with the added stress of taking 20 credits. I'm going to go be a normal college student person and take 15 this quarter. Goodbye Geology. Until next quarter.
The third step is telling mom and dad. I have to have that at-home-accountability thing, so just in case I can't reach out to a friend, I have my parents on round-the-clock watch.
Now it's time for sleep. I think.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Baby Bird
My life is just falling right into place, isn't it?
Everything is going.. What seems to be perfect. A humanly perfection, at least.
I got accepted into my dream school. And trust me, everyone knows. Cheney and I spammed everyone's newsfeeds with our happiness of getting in. I've had three other friends tag me in their posts saying their proud of me and whatnot. My mom went and texted all of her friends. Everyone is so happy that Michaela is going to a university instead of sitting around next fall.
About a month ago, when deciding on schools, I narrowed my choices down to two. Pacific Lutheran University and Portland State University. One is close to home, where I can also stay extremely connected to my home church. One is a bit farther away.
The way I saw it was: If God allows me to go to PLU, it means I'm ready to stand on my own two feet spiritually. He knows I'm ready to grow without the constant support of a huge church helping guide my every step and giving me the tracks. And that is what's happening!
I'm a baby bird ready to fly.
I am not going to be one of those Christians who relies solely on her church to help her grow. Counts on the church events to revamp that spirit. Only serves when the church provides means to.
I'm ready to trust in God.
Everything is going.. What seems to be perfect. A humanly perfection, at least.
I got accepted into my dream school. And trust me, everyone knows. Cheney and I spammed everyone's newsfeeds with our happiness of getting in. I've had three other friends tag me in their posts saying their proud of me and whatnot. My mom went and texted all of her friends. Everyone is so happy that Michaela is going to a university instead of sitting around next fall.
About a month ago, when deciding on schools, I narrowed my choices down to two. Pacific Lutheran University and Portland State University. One is close to home, where I can also stay extremely connected to my home church. One is a bit farther away.
The way I saw it was: If God allows me to go to PLU, it means I'm ready to stand on my own two feet spiritually. He knows I'm ready to grow without the constant support of a huge church helping guide my every step and giving me the tracks. And that is what's happening!
I'm a baby bird ready to fly.
I am not going to be one of those Christians who relies solely on her church to help her grow. Counts on the church events to revamp that spirit. Only serves when the church provides means to.
I'm ready to trust in God.
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