Hypocritical Much?

Isn't it crazy how big of hypocrites we are?

I mean seriously, we talk about loving everyone at whatever point they're at. But a lot of the times all we do is hate others without knowing them at all. We just sit and judge others without knowing a single thing about them.

I know I do this everyday. I'm a jerk, I'll admit it. There are some people I just cannot stand, so I just won't love them. I'll pretty much say "Screw it. They're too [insert adjective here] and I can't deal with it."  But I'm trying my hardest to stop because I'm just as difficult to deal with as the people I dislike, and I still have friends who stick by me, I should be like them.

My issue is. . . I have friends who constantly put me down for the friends I have and where I hang out at while at school. I get that it might be a joke to them. But after an entire quarter, it's not really a joke to me anymore. It's pretty hurtful to know that my choice in friends is disapproved by my other friends.

I considered just dumping these friends because of someone's opinion of them. Because they think we're weird. [Yup I said we, because I am a part of that group.] But guess what? I'm not going to. 

Weird is cool. We're all diverse. We're fun. We're all there for each other.

And about that last sentence. It is so true! I saw evidence of it just today. I came to school after a horrible night, obviously looked upset, and everyone cared and took time to give me hugs and to make sure I'm okay. That's friendship right there.

Well I'm Cool

My last post was in September. . . 

It is now December.

Obviously school has taken over my life.

Here's an update on my life in the upcoming few weeks:

• I have my final English 102 paper due in almost exactly 12 hours
• Only 8 out of the required 10-12 pages are finished
• I have to type up an "about me" page in the next 8 hours to give to a couple of my professors so they can write me letters of recommendation for the schools I'm applying to
• I have a major research project due in 36 hours
• I have a big[ish] test in two days, and then a final in the same class on Monday
• I need to pretend like I know how to take pictures by Monday
• I need to apply to my top pick school in the next 14 days
• Which means I need to actually write that essay I've been putting off for three months
• I need decide on backup schools so I don't look like some reject after I graduate in the Spring
• I need to apply to said backup schools ASAP 
• And finally: I need a social life outside of the social things are kind of necessary 

And now I've decided to stop procrastinating on life. [[Paper Time!]]

Conformist

Last night was another one of those nights. A night where I thought to myself "If I change_____ about me and liked _____, maybe this person will want to talk to me again." And then I realized. . . I've been doing that my entire life. I have no real opinions when it comes to movies, music, books, or anything in life.


For as long as I remember, I have liked and disliked different things to be like my friends. In 8th grade, I liked Fall Out Boy because everyone in my class was going crazy over their new album. As a Freshman, I forced myself to like hardcore and screamo music because my close guy friends liked it, and I wanted to be liked by them. I listen to pop music all of the time so I can sing along with my friends. I read the Twilight Saga because my friends were, and I fell in love with Edward because my friends did. Then, I began to dislike Twilight because everyone else did when the movies came out, when truthfully, I really loved the story. I tried to learn how to play guitar, only because I thought it'd help me connect with Corban, when in reality, I knew my fingers would never be able to bend right to play anything. I disliked Avatar, because a college student I knew didn't like it, and made fun of it. I went to Running Start because my friends did, I actually wanted to stay at my high school and be a normal kid.


And here's the sad part: everything I just listed is only the first page in the book of things that I have done to conform. I won't lie. I've even denied God, more times than I can count. That's something I did in middle school, but it is something I regret more than anything. To deny God, is to deny yourself. He made us. He IS our Creator, and as the Creation, I shouldn't be denying that I love Him. That's not love, is it?


Guess what? Last night I made my feelings "Facebook Official." So everyone knows that I am DONE conforming to who I think I should be. And I'm going to start living as the person I AM.

"I am no longer going to allow my opinions be affected by the opinions of others. Too long have I been afraid of not liking what everyone else liked, and not hating what they hated. I am my own person, and I'm going to feel what I want to feel." - Me 9/10/10

Well there it is. My official quote. Maybe that quote will go down in history books, because I'm going to start a revolution of non-conformists. Haha. Just kidding, I'm not that cool. But I am going to start a revolution in my own life. I am going to stop changing my opinions to be like everyone else. I am my own person.


Hi. My name is Michaela, and I like the following things:

• God. The Bible. And my church.
• Taco Bell. Bean burritos with no onions, and extra red sauce. 
• Fantasy and Sci-fi[ish] books.
• Playing the piano.
• My schools. Both of them.
• Photography.
• Harry Potter and Twilight.
• Skirts and cute dresses with my TOMS.
• Skinny jeans and band T's with my high tops.
• A wide range of music:
• Skillet
• Cute Is What We Aim For
• Escape the Fate
• Ingrid Michaelson
• Boys Like Girls
• Hawk Nelson
• Alesana
• Paramore
• Relient K
• Silverstein
• All Time Low
• and Daft Punk
• And I really like not hiding anything anymore.

-A False Angel

A Lost Life

I just posted this on my Myspace blog, but I decided I should put it here. Along with my other thoughts.

My heart is broken. Another teen is lost to the reign of suicide. Are we ever going to overcome this battle?

Today we lost Moriah Caron of California. I never knew her personally. But she was a close friend of two of those I hold dear to me, and watching them suffer after the loss of a friend hurts me.

Needless to say, she will be missed. Not even a day since her death, and her Facebook wall is filled with goodbyes from her friends. Messages saying that they wish they could've done more to help her. Videos of some of her last happy moments. A friend of hers posted a picture on her wall. It said "The sky is more beautiful because you are watching over us. Rest in peace. We love you, we miss you."

I just pray to God that she's seeing these messages to her and is smiling down at her friends. I hope that she finally sees that she WAS loved.

Rest In Peace, Moriah Caron.

When it comes to suicide. It's such a touchy subject to me. Because anyone who knows my past knows that I've thought about it, and have came close so many times. I came across this quote today:

"Have the courage to live. Anyone could die." -Robert Cody

Wow. That's all I can think of when I see that quote. It's true. It's the easy way out, because life is hard. ANYONE who overcomes the want to die is strong in my book. To be able to get up and face a new day, even though the things that made you want to end your life are still out there. You are STRONG.

I want to believe that those who commit suicide are going straight to Heaven. But people who I consider my mentors, these adults, they say that you go to Hell when you kill yourself. That's why you shouldn't do it. I hope that they were only saying that to scare me. But truthfully. How do we know? How do we know that we'd go to Hell if we killed ourselves? Why do we, the living, try to make that judgement? It's up to God. And He's such a fair and wonderful God. He forgives our sins and loves us to no end. It's HIS choice whether we spend that eternity with Him. So I think we should all just forget about judging people, and just let Him do it.

Two weeks ago, my aunt's father died. How? He killed himself. He had been sick for so many years, and was in immense pain. So he finally took his life with the help of a bullet. He was a Christian man, just as Moriah had been a Christian girl. They loved God, and yet they still ended their lives. They were dealing with pain. Just different kinds of it. And in the end, the did what they felt was best. I pray that God sees their actions for what they were: A cry for help, a cure for their pain. And I pray that God forgives them. Please God, forgive them.

All this talk about death lately just makes me think about time. And how little of it we truly have. We spend so much time on the things that don't matter, and I am one of the people who does this the most. We focus on our looks, our status among others, our score on that newest game. We act as though we have all the time in the world. When in reality, we've only got about 70. If we're that lucky. We are wasting our time on these material things. We've got to start focusing on LOVE.

Yeah I said it. LOVE. This world would be better off if we just loved each other, and stopped loving just ourselves. So many people are pushing love away because they think they need to work on themselves some more. We end up forgetting about the people who need our help. Who need our love. For everyone who has ever been in love, it's such a beautiful thing. I have been. And I miss it. But now I've realized that love isn't just between two people who get married. It's between God and us. And us and the people around us. God made us to need others to survive. He gave us that capacity to love so we can share it with others, to share His love, and to share our own. If we love on someone, maybe we can save a life. Just a thought to consider.

Before I get too off topic, I'll say goodnight, or good morning. However you want to put it at 3am.

God Bless.

- A False Angel

It's Just Me.

I don't know who I am anymore. Or where I'm at in this walk of life. All I do know is that I'm confused and I just need a written record of what I'm going through, while I go through it.

Here's a little history for you:

• I was abused physically and emotionally as a kid, so it's screwed me up immensely.
• I'm a recovering self-injurer.
• I suffer from bulimia, and have suffered on-and-off for the past five years.
• I'm a kid in a one parent household. Living with my recently separated mom. But I see my dad all of the time.
• I believe in God, and I know, more than anything, that he is perfect

I'm a person who has dealt with so much in their life. And I know in the long run, it's going to make me stronger. But for now, I'm just trying to figure out how to live.