Day One.

Today is the first day of many.
Last night I admitted the truth to four people.  Now I'm admitting it to you, my two readers:


I, Michaela, am a bulimic. I am not that perfect student leader that I am "supposed" to be.  I did know better, and yet I let this disease take control of me.  I let my own pride and selfishness get in the way of reaching out to people who I know could've helped me if I had asked for it long ago when I first started throwing up again.  I didn't want people to know how messed up I truly was, and I'm sorry about that.  I'm sorry to God and to all of those who I know care about me.


For so long I thought that I couldn't mess up.  I'm a student leader.  I can't be the one who needs help. I'm supposed to be the one who helps others.  Which is why I let myself get involved in so many ministries with so many people.  I had to take the focus off of myself and put it on others so no one would notice my pain.  Bad idea, right?


I can't expect to fill the cup of others, if my cup isn't being filled elsewhere. 


If I'm denying the help from others, what hope is there for me?


Well I took the first step and told Casey, our speaker from Summit View.  I wasn't even expecting to.  I just wanted to tell him thanks for speaking because it helped me realize some things, and he asked what stood out the most. . . 


And in my telling of what stood out, I broke down and told him everything that was going on.  
About how I was screwing up, but was afraid to tell anyone from church because all my leaders seem so perfect.  He told me I had to tell them, I had to get help; I already knew that, but God had to remind me through Casey that I needed to do it soon.  Or else I could end up seriously hurting myself.


Back in my small group, God reveled to me that those "perfect" leaders have messed up too.  They didn't all live the cookie cutter Christian life like I had assumed.  He provided me with a leader that shares a story similar to mine, something I've never come across in this lifetime.  She and one of my closest friends, Miranda, listened to me and my crying testimony of purging and cutting.  And they sat right there, holding my hands while I confessed to Scott that I wasn't who I said I was.


I braced myself because I was sure he would say that there was absolutely no way I could go to Indonesia now.  But it's not what he said.  I'm still in the running for being considered for Impact Indonesia, that mission's trip that I've been dreaming about since I was twelve years old.


My second step is dropping out of one of my classes.  I need to get healthy.  And I can't do that with the added stress of taking 20 credits.  I'm going to go be a normal college student person and take 15 this quarter.  Goodbye Geology.  Until next quarter.


The third step is telling mom and dad.  I have to have that at-home-accountability thing, so just in case I can't reach out to a friend, I have my parents on round-the-clock watch.


Now it's time for sleep.  I think.